I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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