I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
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