His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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