Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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