i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
they need to just BURY HIM!
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
