no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
The feeling are messing with the penis
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
