the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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