is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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