i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
