Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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