You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
this is an emotional support booty call
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
