Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Randomize
