He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
