you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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