Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
