careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
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