So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
...so i touched it.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
So many bounce houses so little time
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
