I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
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