you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
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