I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
