Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
