I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I got her a Nickelback box set.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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