you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
