If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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