every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
