apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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