I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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