just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
