Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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