I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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