I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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