college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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