that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
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