the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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