The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
