i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
