Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
