i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Randomize
