my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
