in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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