Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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