This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
