Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
