Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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