Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Don't EVER smell your tampon
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
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