a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
