he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
