Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
