Umm I'm too high to move.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
You were trust falling into bushes
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Randomize
