Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
