Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
