My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
